Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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