Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
