mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Randomize
