Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
