think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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