Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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