Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
