my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
They are going to name an STD after you.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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