not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The uberlube is also flammable
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
