also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
