The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
