tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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