a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
