I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
