at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
