Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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