After last night, I could never be a politician.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
