If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
