ya dads aren't the best wingmen
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
