i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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