I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
