1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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