anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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