Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
