We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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