My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
