I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Randomize
