All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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