I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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