I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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