Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
We're too hungover to prance.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
