I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
