Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
