Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
