My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
