Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
