I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
