You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
