I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
