I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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