So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
