I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
