remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
