i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
