i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
