I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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