I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Randomize
