so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Randomize
