ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
accomplished twins. life is a go
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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