i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
