Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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