He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
