so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
