Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
